"Let it go! Let it go! Can't hold it back anymore! Let it go! Let it go!"
These are the lyrics that I ran through my head each time I had to remind myself I needed to let things go. Now, when I talk about letting things go in this particular situation, I am referring to when you have hit rock bottom, you are in complete overwhelm and have nothing left in the tank and I MEAN NOTHIN'! You are at the point where the only way out of this situation is to make a change in your approach to life and your parenting choices.
This is what overwhelm looked like for me. I had been having some challenging times with my daughter since she was age 11.
For me, my breakdown occurred after continuous challenges with my daughter's mental health, behaviour, attitude, and the lack of support I had over a period of 3 to 4 years. I had managed to keep it together for the sake of my family, but one day, I just couldn't do it anymore!
My daughter had one tantrum too many! Yelling, screaming, calling me every name under the sun, kicking the back of the driver's side car seat after I decided that her attitude needed adjusting, therefore refusing to take her and her school friend to a movie they wanted to watch. It didn't matter to her that her friend was there witnessing all this.
After getting out of the car I locked myself in the bathroom and sat sobbing uncontrollably with the feeling of defeat, I literally felt that I didn't have any more in the tank. I was asking myself, how did things get like this? Where did I go wrong? How can I change things? Thoughts like - I am a terrible mother, came to mind. I wanted OUT!
I knew then and there I couldn't go on like this.
So what changed? I had to make changes. Have you ever heard the saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes?"
I knew that I needed to make those changes, to initiate change. Was my daughter going to change? Nope.
It was up to me to start the ball rolling.
What changes did I make?
Step 1: I took a step back from being the one who was the primary disciplinarian. My husband who was in the backseat was now in the driver's seat. He had a different way of dealing with her, so this became his responsibility.
Step 2: I started picking my battles better. I looked at what was really important. If it didn't fall into that category then I did not go into battle over it! This alone saved so much heartache and stress for myself, her, and the family.
Step 3: I worked on self-care. I had always put the family first, and it was taking its toll. I came to realize, if I didn't look after me, how could I look after her or anyone else for that matter.
Step 4: I worked on understanding her better. What are her challenges? What could be the reasons behind her behaviour? What is going on in her world? Kids and young people behave a certain way for a reason. I wanted to understand this so I could work with her from a different perspective.
Step 5: Timing is everything! I chose the time to discuss things with her better. There is no point in discussing anything with her when she is in a heightened state. I would wait until she was in a good place frame of mind) and then things become a teachable moment. It is incredible the number of times she has blown my mind with the depth of thought and her level of maturity, it really gives you a proud mama moment, when you realize that you have been instrumental in creating this amazing young human being!
How did making these changes help?
They reduced my stress, my overwhelm, the continuous feeling of banging my head up against a brick wall! I felt more supported! My family is happier! I have more control over how I act/react when dealing with situations that arise.
Sure, there are still times when there is complete chaos, stress, and upset, but these 5 steps started the ball rolling in the right direction - because if nothing changes, nothing changes period!
If you can relate to this story, your needing help, and want some tips on how to start making changes, you can join my Facebook group Supportive and Balanced Mums with Challenging Teenagers.
